In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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