I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
