I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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