He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
