dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
