I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
