im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
