Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
