Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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