Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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