Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Your cock deserves a montage
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
