I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize