Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
