He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
