i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
