Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
