Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
