my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
