You made me cry and you don't even care
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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