I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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