your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
