i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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