an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
