haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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