I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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