Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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