Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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