i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just blew my weed a kiss
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
