If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
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