Can i not drive my cunt home
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
