weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize