Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
