oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She told me I should be a condom model.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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