he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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