Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
