Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Oh god it's open bar.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
