Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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