i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Pooping to opera.
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