i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
