Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
