I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
