There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
