You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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