Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
