Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
