Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize