from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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