My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
