its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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