I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize