I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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