Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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