I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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